It's 1:56am where I live and it is the 16th of Ramadhan, the Muslim month of fasting. I am saddened, puzzled and perplexed to say the least. I sit here blogging, more confused than ever about recent events that forced me to cancel my appearance at The Lost Ones exhibit this Saturday. All that hyping up the event and all that planning came to a screeching halt as personal reasons forced me to deal with what still seems to be a priority. I am trying to bring a message with my art as well as make this and other art ventures my sole means of maintaining my family, but now I find myself disappointed to say the least. It says in the Quran that there maybe a thing that you like that may have something in it that is not good, and there may be a thing that you hate but may have good in it. I try to look at the things from this perspective, but hey, I am a human being with limited knowledge, meaning I'm not going to figure out everything in life that is thrown at me, so I must look toward Al Hakim(The Most Wise) to see what is the meaning of all of this. Sometimes I get the point later on, sometimes I don't, but it still adds up to God being in total control of everything, and I have to accept it as that. He knows and I don't know.
I find myself now in a state of flux, not trying to come off as wishy washy, but just finding myself wondering if I should continue on, that is until my friend Joanna Ballard, the one hosting the event, reminded me what is the main reason for this event. It is not about art, not about Quwwa or Joanna, it is about the homeless and us using our God given talents to bring about consciousness.
It still hurts though and even more so seeing that fact that I may be starting over, back to square one so to speak. I feel like a rapper right now, scared as heck of having to look for employment outside of my own talents. I have been looking for employment anyway but nothing has come of fruition, and frankly I don't want to go back into a world where I am disrespected, mistreated and used to make some other sucker rich, only to come home with a few measley crumbs to toss at my family. I have regained my agility, energy and health since leaving my job May 23, and since that time my weight has dropped drastically, as the size 50 baggy pants that I wore while at work now looks totally out of proportion, as I seem to have shrunk down to a size 46 now. The last time this happened in 2002 I lost a total of 120 pounds, only to gain it back once I started hitting up these jobs.
I have to do for my family though, and I have no problem with that at all. I don't look at kids as crumbsnatchers, however they are quickly becoming looked upon as crumbeaters, as criminals continue to force the hand of an economy that has no business being in existence, but continues to thrive while a sleeping population continues with the status quo, and very few are seeming to wake up and take charge of their own destinies. I pray that I don't go out as another dreaming independent artist who had to "face reality"
Please help me to understand Allah...
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