Shutdowns, Breakdowns and Meltdowns (Part 1)

Peace all, Writing this blog from a personal standpoint can be therapeutic at times, and sometimes it can become more of a hindrance than good. It really depends on the mood that I'm in, which has been shifting constantly in the past few months. What started out as good and promising has turned completely upside down, and my mood changes have become more obvious than ever, and so has my language. Obviously something is not the same with me. Right now I'm sitting on the floor of the library, which has now become a familiar spot with me, multitasking as usual, not being able to get a single task done. I used to think that my lack of concentration or lack of focusing on getting one task done was due to my scatterbug nature. That was until a couple of weeks ago I was looking up an issue on the interest regarding depression and anxiety. Once I read the symptoms, I stopped wondering about the other person and started looking at myself. It's no secret that I've suffered from depression, especially when one reads previous posts I've written in the past, especially in regards to some of the escapades I've experienced in the high stress call center environment, however I did not realize what I was doing was due to a depressing state. I thought I had it managed pretty well ya know? Whenever I became depressed I would find myself walking throughout the neighborhood, sometimes equipped with my headphones and MP3 player and sometimes not, only to come back home somewhat refreshed, but it's reached epic proportions now. It came to a head this past July while doing contract work for a company. I was helping to move computers and networking hardware, not harming anyone at anytime, thinking that after working a couple of weeks here I could earn a nice amount of money to hold me down until something more permanent or more lasting comes along. Things didn't look so promising after the first couple of days as the two men who headed the project were behind in their duties, leaving the contractors with very little to do the first couple of days, so we were made to leave early. On the following Wednesday, I received word that my services would no longer be needed, as I was told that a couple of people complained about me, but he would not go into detail about the nature of the complaint. In reality he didn't have to, I've been discriminated and profiled against too many times to act like I don't know the reasons why I'm being treated in such fashion. The funny thing was although I was told some people complained against me, the agency I worked for was not told such things, only don't send me back to the site. I immediatedly told the recruiter what I feel was the issue, and I explained that I'm Muslim and I do have a full beard, but that in no way has been or will be a detriment to my work ethic or my reputation as a honest, law abiding citizen. Being African American and Muslim has given me the upclose opportunity to see first hand how ignorance and racism has and will continue to pull this country down, while it's citizens point fingers everywhere except the right places to hold the right people accountable, meanwhile people from different ethnic and religious backgrounds continue to suffer at the hands of someone else's stupidity. It hasn't stopped there. This discrimination has taken on new forms, such as an agency calling me a couple of weeks inquiring, or should I say profiling me about a position I had applied for. The recruiter seemed pleased with my resume, and then came the questions. NOPE, no felonies, no default on a college loan(although I fail to see how this should affect my status as one who is capable of troubleshooting computer equipment in the first place), no bad credit, except in the area of having a car repossessed three years ago, as a result of losing my job, making me unable to continue to pay on my car...so poverty becomes a punishment now huh? So now poverty is a character flaw instead of a socio-economic issue huh? One that renders the person into a caste of those who can't cut it? So much for the land of opportunity, huh? And they wonder why people go illegal? Matter of fact, I don't even think they even wonder about that, especially when conditions are created by these scavengers and parasites that leave those on the outskirts of society, scrappin' and scrapin' just trying to break even...They just feign concern...they don't really care... I'll continue this later....Peace out....www.qartworks.com

Mind Blowin!!!

Peace all,

Working on this exhibit coming up in the next two weeks, and things are suddenly going top speed for me, I need my ice cream to slow down the pace... LOL

Anyway, the See What I See Art Exhibit is set and I am pumped to say the least. I would never thought that I would be actually promoting my own art exhibit, I usually keep events about myself on the hush hush, one for fear of ...oh many things...confidence is not on my list of strong points, that is until I've become comfortable with the situation. I think I've settled down from the excitement now.

At least that was until yesterday when the librarian posted the flyer she created on the entrance doors and the walls of the library...Then it really hit me when I saw my name on the flyer...Then I really started bugging...not egotistical rapper like, but buggin'...It was a little too much for me.

Then while surfing through the net I ran into one of my Facebook friends who lives not too far from me, who wants to contribute some sounds for the exhibit, to mix with some of the messages I wish to relay to the audience. That really geeked me up.

Then, in an act I can only say was God's Decree, I happened to come back to the library, only to find a gentlemen who noticed my constant presence in the library using the internet and such. Well we spoke about constructing websites, and I showed him my site and explained what my agenda is, which somehow, again saying it was the Decree of Allah, we happened to share the same vision. Well, needless to say, we exchanged numbers and he called me with details that I can give away, but this thing can go a looooong way, God Willing.

Then I received a reply from my good friend Tania Maria Xavier of ColoredPeople.Net and DaughterNature.Com, approving the exhibiting of one the paintings on her beautiful gallery. I try my best to never forget those who Allah put in my path, and she along with others play a huge role in Quwwa. All I can say is thanks to all who contributed, will contribute in any fashion. I am grateful for every effort, and can only pray this gets better.

All Praise is Due only to Allah, and the mistakes are mine. PEACE





Love Ya....It's just keeps getting better. Come See What I See @ http://www.realquwwa.com

FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS!

Peace all, and belated Eid Mubarak to the Muslims coming from the fasting of the month of Ramadhan. May Allah accept our fasting and deeds done for His Sake.

A very interesting Ramadhan and come and gone once again, filled with many lessons learned and very interesting concepts reflected upon. All in all, it was a very enlightning and uplifting experience. I pray I am able to see and experience another blessed Ramadhan again, there is nothing like the experience.

Keeping oneself focused was the task at hand, I mean imagine me walking constantly through the scorching Texas heat, not having eaten anything substantial in the last few hours, to go to the library and type out a passage or two reflecting on issues very few people ever contemplate over, only to write them on a Facebook book page with only 28 friends that subscribed to, and not even all of them read my writings. But again, mass appeal is not the object. But it does take focus, focus that even I didn't think I had...LOL...But where there is a purpose there is a will. I leave Ramadhan now with even more focus, and still thinking of more writings to fill up my Reflections page. I feel like I've only just begun.

But now I also have to turn my attention to my proposed Art Exhibit entitled Down Here on the Ground, and gear up for that event now. I've sent the proposal for space and I am awaiting a response. I've been looking through several pictures and trying to come up with different ideas to create. Right now I am on a mixed media and collage binge, looking for that right connection or that right energy. This looks to be very exciting, although I still lack many resources to pull this exhibit off. I set the date so I can have some kind of tangible deadline to make my self work and not procrastinate, which happens to be a great friend of mine...lol.

But throught it all, I keep pushing, hoping for something to come along that will give me that much needed boost. I guess I am just nervous due to the fact that about what happened last year, I don't think I can take anymore letdowns. Confidence does wane, especially after recurring instances....I pray this is not the case.




Take care.